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I can't help but wonder if Bill Cosby's roofies tasted llike a Puddin' Pops. 
Black Friday shopping is unnecessary when you already did your shopping on looters Tuesday.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
One page of funnies a day is ruining my status as a comedian.
If quitters never win and winners never quit, who came up with "quit while you're ahead?"
[flashlight to face]... When we were young, we only had a few TV channels... *all the kids gasp*... And there was no wifi... *4 kids puke and 2 faint*
if I was any more fun I'd be boobs and bubble wrap
I stopped drinking about you an hour ago.
It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.
Music Teacher: “What is your favourite musical instrument?” Fat Kid: “The lunch bell.”
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?
All dyslexics rejoice! For today is your day! 11/11/11 yppaH
I LOVE rumors! they tell me things about myself that I never even knew!
If Crunch Berries aren't considered fresh fruit I don't think this diet is going to work out.
If I download a movie in Jamaica, am I a pirate of the Caribbean?
Drinking wine alone is not lonely, it's romantic. Damn self, you got nice eyes ;)
If you're going to be alive, you might as well be incredible.
Technologically, I'm at that dangerous age. I'm old enough to mess everything up, and not young enough to fix it.
Stacy's Mom-The Music video that lead an entire generation into masturbation.
The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my arse will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work. 