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Apparently,,, Someone's been putting Rogaine on my Q-Tips and toilet paper. 
Having your cell phone clipped to your belt is helpful for letting everyone know that you won't be getting laid tonight.
First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." "What?" "Never mind" "What's the problem?" "Nothing" "Please tell us?" "You KNOW what the problem is."
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me 'Will you be putting it up yourself?' I told him, 'No, you sicko, it's going in the living room!'
I think my yogurt went bad. I just saw it in the parking lot leaning against a Camaro & smoking a cigarette.
Subway lawsuit defense ... maybe the sub was cold.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Yo, I can't fcking sleep." "Well it's your lucky day," I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."
n't it about time The Kardashian's have an STD Named after them ?
Do these sweatpants and 5 extra pounds make me look like I'm in a relationship?
Facebook. Why are you trying to lure me into people's problems?
I'm bored. I think I'll go to WalMart, find a great parking spot and sit in the truck with my reverse lights on for awhile
Just because someone says, I love you, doesn't automatically mean they love just you.
Remember,,, your odds of winning Powerball are much lower than being hit by a car. Especially if I'm driving and see you in line for a ticket.
So you say you’re fat because you had children. What did they taste like?
I get my daily dose of vegetables by eating animals who eat vegetables
People who still have their popcorn when movies starts: your self-control disgusts me and I'll never party with you jerks.
I do not like being told what to do unless I'm naked!
not quite feeling myself today. I'm going to see if booze helps...
keep scrolling... I got nothing!!
The best kind of love is experienced when the person who touches your ass also touches your heart. 