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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit. 
When the going gets tough the tough get vodka.
Christmas: The only time of year when your credit card company calls you and says "Thank you!"...
Captain Coward's excuse that he "fell into a lifeboat" is heading into "the dog ate my homework" territory.....Don'y you think?
peeing and sneezing at the same time is never a good combination.
I wish you could pick a brand of car, and every few years you'd get an upgrade. Like with phones.
New Year's resolution: say "not on my watch" more (& often)
Sharks kill about 5 people yearly, vending machines kill 23. Do I really want that bag of Doritos?
I wonder how many people have gone to their deaths thinking, "Any minute now, they'll take off this blindfold and I'll be in a Febreze commercial."
Karl Marx was wrong,, Religion is not the opiate of the masses... Facebook is.. Also Angry Birds...and Draw Something
SOPA and PIPA tried to attack your 1st amendment. CISPA will attack your 4th amendment....if you let "them" of course
While most of my friends played Doctor as a kid, I played Mortician. I didn't have much faith in them being doctors.
There is no snooze button on a dog that wants to go out for a piss.
If you ever find yourself driving through a neighborhood and you smell bologna cooking on the grill, keep driving.
I hate when you think you have one last piece of jerky left in the bag and it ends up being the silicone freshness packet!!
Science Question: How do stars die? Drugs normally
I was just making a sandwich when I thought to myself, 'So, there is a downside to divorce'.
Why does Hollywood believe a self destruct button is a completely logical feature on spaceships?
Spank someone today. You'll both feel better.
If I ever get off this couch, I'll be unstoppable 