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Facebook is doing maintenance on my account. I hope that means they're airbrushing my profile pics! 
filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
pop pop popsicle.. ice ice icicle.. test test oh wait..
Don't you hate it when you're out with MC Hammer and he won't let you touch anything?
Don't worry about that old lady crossing the street...she rolled the dice the second she stepped off the curb.
The hell with Calgone...Whiskey take me away!!!
And just when I saw you ... I realized I had no more money left
I only had one officer Mr. Keg..
anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?
Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people, "Everybody But Me."
Just remember people...the sober one ALWAYS remembers everything :)
You don't have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least Crappy option. Example: We're eating at The Olive Garden.
I love how bouillon cubes come in bright shiney yellow (chicken flavored) and red (Beef flavored) packages, I am set for halloween trickery.
New Kids on the Block teaming up with Backsteet Boys? Um, I'll take crappy singing groups that were relevant 20 years ago Alex.
When you are feeling down because everyone is against you just remember that....Nationwide is on your side.
Just before I die I'm going to get my hand stamped in case I want to come back in.
While driving saw a woman smoking in her Prius...obviously she doesn't see the irony!
The thing about unreliable people is that they are very consistent at what they do.
Star Wars: A very long time ago but somehow still in the future
wishes he could start everyday running through a paper wall into the kitchen with the gladiators theme tune playing full blast. 