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Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You can always tell she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you. 
"I'm wrong, your Right, I'm sorry, it'll never happen again"..... Easiest way to solve an argument with the wife
Dear Children, When you look in your closet, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I heard a car alarm go off for a legit reason
Every time I see a girl I went to college with, I ask her if we had sex and we laugh and laugh and laugh and then I welcome her to Walmart.
who keeps posting all these lameo spongebob jokes please stop your wasting space for the good stuff thats put here daily
It's a new day - a chance to make new friends or piss off a whole new group of people. It could go either way.
If you don't have a love in your life, don't worry. If you keep living a life with no regrets, either your love will come or someone will regret living their life without you.
I can't believe someone actually went through all the trouble to create a fake Facebook profile, complete with fake photos, fake friends and fake status updates just so they could befriend and stalk me. I don't know whether to feel honored or terrifie
Nothing says your celebrating the birth of our Nation, like the smell of Gunpowder and Beer..
I need some time alone....Gonna go sign in to Myspace
In an emergency, I`d probably write a status about it before calling the police
If the government fails to raise the debt ceiling and stops paying their bills, I will stop paying mine, fair is fair
The best part of this Presidential Alert is... Hillary got one too!!
Can we put a door in the wall so I can still get my yard mowed?
... Turns out that FBI Director James Comey absolutely wanted to recommend the Indictment of Hillary Clinton. But found out that if he did ...... he might end up committing Suicide!
thinks Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year
Yes I admit, I pee in the shower. There is a drain and running water. Why not?
What All Fortune Cookies Should Say: You are about to take a dump in 10 minutes.
If I wanted a job where I got screwed every day, I would have became a prostitute. 