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Can't believe they've made a Taken 2...Liam Neeson must be an even worse father than Gerry McCann 
What if you *didn't* put a giant sticker on your car that said what kind of car it is? That could be cool too...
Sometimes I think I'm losing touch with reality. At least my imaginary girlfriend is hot.
She couldn't wrap her mind around it, so she used her mouth instead.
If you ever find yourself wondering if there is someone new in their life, chances are there is.
I'm sorry. You need a favor? You know I'd consider it if I weren't so inconsiderate.
Every year my calendar ends on December 31st and I buy a new one, today i've concluded the Mayans were too lazy to make a new one.
My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever.
The only thing that could make a Cowboys fan feel better tonight is watching the Jets and being thankful that you aren't a fan of those underachievers.....
Whenever I am feeling down I cheer myself up by reminding myself that I do not have an outie bellybutton.
Women just don't get it, That men just don't get it.
So I now have 921 friends on my friends list and I just wanted to let you know that you are all awesome people and I love each and everyone of you!!! <3
Except #631
Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 15 pounds before eating your Thanksgiving dinner. Happy Thanksgiving :-)
Always choose a proctologist with a good butt-side manner.
Ha ha suckas....Pie and Cake are safer to eat than salad!
The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after Deer .
Surely not EVERYBODY was Kung Fu Fighting.
The subtle art of knowing better but doing it anyway.
A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.
My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear." which was good advice...... Or was it ? 