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Can't believe they've made a Taken 2...Liam Neeson must be an even worse father than Gerry McCann 
What if you *didn't* put a giant sticker on your car that said what kind of car it is? That could be cool too...
Sometimes I think I'm losing touch with reality. At least my imaginary girlfriend is hot.
She couldn't wrap her mind around it, so she used her mouth instead.
If you ever find yourself wondering if there is someone new in their life, chances are there is.
I'm sorry. You need a favor? You know I'd consider it if I weren't so inconsiderate.
Every year my calendar ends on December 31st and I buy a new one, today i've concluded the Mayans were too lazy to make a new one.
My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever.
The only thing that could make a Cowboys fan feel better tonight is watching the Jets and being thankful that you aren't a fan of those underachievers.....
Whenever I am feeling down I cheer myself up by reminding myself that I do not have an outie bellybutton.
Women just don't get it, That men just don't get it.
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
You'd be surprised how much stolen Halloween candy you can fit in your mouth when you hear your kid coming.
America is in labor now, in a few short hours we will find out if it's a boy or a girl.
I hope America is happy. Canada doesnt want Whoopie either :/
Each mile you run adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 80 you can spend an extra 6 months in a nursing home at $10,000 per month.
I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the #bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
My elf on the shelf is just a credit card bill I move around to pretend I dealt with it. 