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My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever. 
The only thing that could make a Cowboys fan feel better tonight is watching the Jets and being thankful that you aren't a fan of those underachievers.....
Whenever I am feeling down I cheer myself up by reminding myself that I do not have an outie bellybutton.
Women just don't get it, That men just don't get it.
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
You'd be surprised how much stolen Halloween candy you can fit in your mouth when you hear your kid coming.
America is in labor now, in a few short hours we will find out if it's a boy or a girl.
I hope America is happy. Canada doesnt want Whoopie either :/
Each mile you run adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 80 you can spend an extra 6 months in a nursing home at $10,000 per month.
I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the #bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
My elf on the shelf is just a credit card bill I move around to pretend I dealt with it.
Wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would just be proud of me.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn't.
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking the horn.
Thanks to a 60" HD TV, a DVR, and a "pause" button on my remote, it only took 3 hours for me to watch the 1 hour Victoria Secrets show.
My New Years Resolution for 2016 is to stop procrastinating. 