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“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” 
I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down.
I’ve spent the entirety of my adult life prolonging my childhood.
Until I have it again, I refuse to believe that sex is still a thing
Where are the socialist snowplows at?
Valentines: Someday you will meet that amazing person who just gets you. And they won't text you back either.
I can't wait to get to the part of my life where wearing suspenders with sweat pants is completely ok.
it just me or you don't really realize how drunk you are until you are in a bathroom alone?
But seriously, how do I get one million dollars and a flat stomach by tomorrow?
My morning routine includes 20 minutes of sitting on my bed and thinking about how tired I am.
I'm at the "What can I make with green beans and cake mix?" stage of needing groceries.
May everything you want this weekend be within the reach of the couch.
Even God thinks Kanye West is an a$$hole.
My dog vomited last night at 4 am. At least he kept me company while I cleaned it up.
..... Of course I talk to myself ... heck .... Sometimes I need expert advice!!!
If you wife asks what would you do without me? "Live happily ever after," is not the correct answer.
I have the paper towel usage of a much wealthier man.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven't pooped it out yet. Really scared now!
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80's song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with the cup!!! 