Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry. 
wondering if my HEART is healthy enough for SEX , volunteers needed.
Went gluten free recently and I'm proud to say that after only 2 weeks, I'm already down 15 friends.
No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Kylie Jenner is 17 and just bought a house at $2.7 million and I have to think twice before adding guacamole at Chipotle
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.
"There's strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
Vegans will be the other white meat for zombies. Just saying.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
This has to be the only "holiday" created by someone with a speech impediment...
Alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra and many other problems !!!
Remember before facebook when thoughts stayed in people’s heads?
it possible to love the one you're with but not be able to stand the sound of their breathing? Asking for a friend
I’m offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off.
The kiss of death is what happens after the "I do's"
One thing TV has taught me-35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up... lol!
Why can't the ice cream man just get a fu*kin liquor license already
Not today, people with initiative. Not today.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills. 