snotty Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon It used to be only captured criminals covered their faces with their jackets... Now it's people telling pollsters how they're going to vote.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 11:52 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."
←Rate | 08-24-2016 19:46 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once I participated in a "Nice Guy" 5K Run..... We all finished last.
←Rate | 07-09-2012 12:26 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't quote it verbatim,, but the mimes have a saying that goes something like this:
←Rate | 03-31-2012 21:31 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not so good about doing the dishes. I just contemplated spreading peanut butter on bread - using scissors
←Rate | 07-28-2012 09:40 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're worried about peeing on your necktie, then the answer is yes,,, you've tied it wrong.
←Rate | 06-29-2013 07:43 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon "The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
←Rate | 08-09-2013 14:19 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon My morning bowel movement would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of during my commute
←Rate | 06-13-2013 18:26 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have alot of good personality traits,,,,, I just don't happen to have them on me at the moment.
←Rate | 02-26-2016 23:14 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon This is your captain speaking,,, Please fasten your seat belts,,, The Boeing 737 in the gate beside us looks like it wants to race.
←Rate | 03-11-2016 19:32 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are now online dating sites for seniors... I bet that "forgot password?" button is gonna get used a lot.
←Rate | 07-05-2012 21:11 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I could have dinner with anyone, alive and dead, no question,,, I would want it to be Schrödinger's cat
←Rate | 05-01-2017 02:06 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home, ,, The more homeless I look.
←Rate | 05-14-2017 03:25 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Walmart Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?... Me: Well, I couldn't find-..... Cashier: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don't actually care.
←Rate | 10-30-2016 14:27 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Supermoon was OK... But according to Rotten Tomatoes, still way better than Supermoon v Batmoon.
←Rate | 11-14-2016 20:00 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!
←Rate | 07-28-2016 22:06 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well, of course the gas station air pump costs a dollar, because air doesn't grow on trees........... Ummmm,,,,, wait.
←Rate | 07-30-2016 13:32 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I give you a card for any occasion know that there is a 97% chance I bought it 30 minutes before I gave it to you & then signed it while parked in your driveway.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 18:01 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I hear an aftermarket muffler... I guess that means my pizza is here.
←Rate | 09-06-2012 15:34 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon If anyone's interested,, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm on, until I'm removed by security.
←Rate | 05-06-2012 18:59 by snotty Comments (0)  

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