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I tripped over a bra last night, do you think it was a boobie trap? 
I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them.
I really hate it when someone calls my PHONE and says who is this, this is my phone, who are you?
To the gal who posted that guys are "creepy" on facebook, dont flatter yourself. You're not all that.
went to a shrink today. she says I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other b*tch!
On a scale of 1 to Rihanna, how big is your forehead?
I went fishing for bottom feeders yesterday, and caught a R0unders!
What gets longer when pulled, fits between a women's boobs, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked hard?...A SEAT BELT
Ever heard yourself sing in the shower and wondered why the f$#! you havent released an album yet??..
It's funny how people start paying attention to you when start giving them the silence treatment.
Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady There, now you don't need to watch ESPN this week.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot”
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,, it’s 9.
wondering if when French people swear, do they say excuse my English
today is an EPIC DAY: At the end of "Back to the Future", Doc sets the Delorian to go 25 years into the future. That date is today... July 5th, 2010.
can't wait til menopause do us part...
This Friday, the offical Christmas tree was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list.
come on now, you think Elin (Tiger's wife) would really walk away from all that money... She's not that crazy.
Winter Weather Advisory: Go back to bed until mid April.
Dear Ex, I don't hate you, I'm just disappointed you turned into everything you said you'd never be. 