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Sorry I replaced your pepper-spray with silly-string but you gotta admit the surprised look on that mugger's face was priceless... 
If I owned a theme park I’d name it Three Flags because I’d probably half-ass it..
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
It's hard to believe in evolution, when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
In honor of Cyber Monday...my pants are 75% off...
I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
We had a war on drugs, there were more drugs, war on terror and more terrorist, so for 2014 we need to have a war on money and jobs, it can't hurt!
I wonder if Kanye is just over compensating for the fact his mom misspelled "Kenya."
Pro tip: when you wake up, reach for your GF's boobs before reaching for your phone to check your Facebook. Women love that.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
I think you know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
My 3 year old son just told me he was still tired after his 2 hour nap. No DNA test needed here Maury.
Procrastination comes to those who wait
So if a cow dies of old age after a long and happy life, vegetarians are allowed to eat it, right?
Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline,,, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on her wall again.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don't have a moon where I live. 