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My neighbor knocked on my door at three in the morning! Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums. 
...International Women's Day...Cause it's not like you want attention on any other day...
Happy St Patrick's Day, the day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except the Irish -- they pretend they're sober.
when I walk away it doesn't mean you win... it means I'm going to get backup
one of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
The more you show the person that you cant live without them, the more reasons you're giving them to take you for granted.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
I Just saw Detroit at the Coinstar machine...
I would like to congratulate my ex's new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Dear Canada, you can stop emailing me. We have pharmacies here, too...
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins
I'm about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Am I the only one who's ever seen a fat ugly lady at Walmart with 7 screaming kids...and think who keeps doing you!
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore... a friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband!
Text this to someone: I just love making you check your phone for no reason, who's my bi$ch? You are.
I just don't get you people who prefer the cold over the heat. The best times of my life are spent being hot, sweaty, and naked. Not cold, shivering, and bundled up.
No I don't have anything smaller than a twenty. You should. You're the one who's running a store.
The Boston Red Sox are now offering peanut-free seating for fans with severe allergies... Sox officials said they want to make sure that gagging and choking only occur on the field
On a scale from 1 to Adele, how tough was your breakup? 