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Remember: No matter what anyone tells you, you are not worthless. Organs go for a lot of money on the black market. 
You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.
If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go thru life thinking we had no faults at all.
I live by my father's motto: "Life is a football game. Try to fall asleep in the first quarter and complain if anyone shuts off the TV."
You know what’s more annoying than worrying about a cop pulling you over? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my "funny" status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
A woman can only run as fast as her boobs let her!
my life coach told me to just let the clock run out!
Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?
I'd use the Domino's app if they added interesting updates like "Dave is adding your toppings and his wife is cheating on him."
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Intellegent people are often ostracized and shunned by most in society because everyone else is either stupid, uneducated or lacking basic critical thinking skills.
Im starting to get alarmed at the rate which Facebook keeps bringing up things from my past
Three things you never have to ask me: Do you want a hit? Do you want a drink? Do you want cheese on that?
Considering she died three years ago I think Barbara Walters is amazing on "The View."
Some things get in the way of my happiness so I ignore them.
There is no more horrible death than the one of a poor tree that ends up being a Twilight book.
If the driving ability of people on the road today is any indicator of the future of society, we are doomed.
I don't need drugs to have a good time, but I do need them to get through any family functions.
It's amazing how alcohol can make you do so many stupid things on your smart phone. 