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Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth. 
If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to post that you won't be signing autographs when you get off of work at 5 today.
Hey,,, That's a cool race car bed,, kid.. Maybe someday you can be like me and sleep in a real car...
If I had a d ick I'd definitely get it stuck in something it wasn't supposed to be in by the end of the first day.
Correction: If your boyfriend answers your text while playing mw2, he doesn't love you. He just died.
Facebook has stopped suggesting friends for me. I guess they finally realized I dont need to be friends with someone I saw that one time.
I wish I could get 3 dollars plus a gallon for MY gas....I mean, it seems to be pretty high octane...........
I like really dark movie theatres. That way, I don't have to buy my own popcorn.
I respect you so much I salute you with 1 finger!
I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
Women want a fairytale romance. Men Just want a happy ending...
Ever notice how your dream girl often turns into your nightmare?
Maytag just recalled 1.7 million dishwashers. This immigration issue is really getting out of hand.
"hey, isn't smoking weed illegal?" replies, "Hey aren't half the songs on your iPod stolen?"
If Charlie Brown comes to your house trick or treating this Sunday, please give that kid some candy. That poor kid has been getting just rocks since 1966!
So...I met this really nice girl at closing time last night. Granted, she's missing both her front teeth but Christmas is coming, right?!? I think it can work...
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
My vacuum cleaner doesn't suck as much as it used to, it must have gotten married.
Women- God's version of a Rubik's cube. 