Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Heard a girl just say that she "literally died". So she's either a zombie or too stupid to live. Either way, I threw a stapler at her. 
"I'm here for you if you need anything" a.k.a. "I wanna be the next guy you bang"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar. None leave with me. The end.
BOY: "Hi" GIRL: "I have a boyfriend" BOY: "I said 'Hi' not suck my d!ck"
When I ask my deaf girlfriend to have sex, I make her tug my pen!s once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"
FASTEST means of Communication : 1) Phone 2) TV 3) Internet 4) Tell A Woman (For even FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE)
just two away from a threesome
hey girls! if you're boyfriend sparkles and doesn't want to have sex with you, he's not a vampire. He's gay!
I'm wearing that smile you gave me.
Send me your credit card # and brand to my inbox and I'll post what I bought myself with your money.
Have you ever woke up wanting to smack someone for no apparent reason?
Thank you Facebook for your new dumb layout & for me having to click my status update 52 times for it to take....
thinking about going on a cruise just for the profile picture opportunities.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor.
Every Ice Age starts the same way. With a lonely squirrel just tryin' to get a nut.
I wonder if Busta Rhymes texts with no spaces...
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.
I have learnt so much from my mistakes, I am thinking of making a few more.
B!tch please, my bubblegum flavor lasts longer than your relationships. 