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So this "Planking" thing... laying face down on various objects... I've been doing that forever. I call it "Sleeping" though. 
Liars always think that no one is telling the truth.
Dallas Morning News reports that Tony Romo is on a liquid diet to prevent choking.
My cup of care \_/ ... ooh look... it's empty..
Word of the Day: Eskihoe - A girl that wears UGG boots and a miniskirt at the same time.
women say they like tall men but I'm probably at least 6'4 in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet :(
Thank God America won the Revolutionary War or we'd all be speaking English right now.
Do race horses really pee more than the regular kind?
Fact: Any woman that says that a way to a man's heart is through his stomch is aweful at blow jobs.
Memo from Santa: Due to the rising cost of coal, this year people on the naughty list will be receiving Nickelback CDs.
The best thing about drinking wine in a box is when you finish it, you can unfold the box and break dance on it....
So now that I've failed to find Jennifer Lawrence's leaked photos/nudes, I've decided to respect her privacy.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that 'take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve' thing that girls do
I just don't get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
When I win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
The difference between being interrogated by a terrorist & interrogated by a woman is that eventually the terrorist will end your suffering.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses' wife got involved.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
You can tell it’s spring by:- The emergence of muffin tops, the flapping of bingo wings and sightings of socks with crocs!! 