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My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread. 
What if Earth is just the insane asylum for the universe?
Harlem Shake is just an excuse to go full retard for 30 seconds.
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Facebook should have an automatic detection service that as soon as someone posts something regarding the gym or healthy eating, then they immediately get rewarded with a medal that they are obviously after.
I donated blood today. Now I can be secure in the knowledge that somewhere, some fortunate person will wake up from an operation with the sudden ability to dance badly, sing off key loudly, and giggle a lot as they walk into things. And a hangover.
Everyones like "George Zimmerman this, no justice that" I'm just over here like, "I'm gonna eat a popsicle."
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
How can this cop expect me to show him my license when he took it away last month? What an Idiot.
I do have a life outside of Facebook, but I don't remember the password for it.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.
Show me on this Elmo doll where the bad man touched you...
I hate when I'm singing a song and a co-worker thinks they can join in and sing with me. D!ckhead, this is not Glee!
I think I owe my vibrator a Valentines Day card.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni... That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I know a lot of midget jokes but I am afraid they will come back to bite me in the ass.
I took a sh!t this morning. TMI? Yeah well I don't want to read about how in love you are with your boyfriend of the week either.
They say that if a guy has big feet it means that he has a big pen!s. That just makes the thought of being raped by clowns even scarier.
Never judge a man 'till you've driven a mile with his wife.
The line was a little long at my pharmacy so I grabbed my cell phone and pretended to call someone. The line emptied quickly when I described my contagious rash and the fact that no doctor had found a medicine that would cure it yet. Good times. 