Funny Status Messages

   Have you ever done something so stupid that you blamed it on being drunk when you were totally sober just so you looked like less of a dumb ass.

   Its not called HACKED when you use a public library computer to update your Facebook and you forget to log out. Then the next person to use the computer takes the liberty to play around with your profile and wall. Its called being stupid and careless.

   Watching depression medication commercials makes me depressed. I'm just glad herpes commercials don't have the same effect.

   “Oprah's Secret” sounds like a new line of plus-sized lingerie.

   I like to spend my Monday mornings avoiding people who might ask about my weekend.

   I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages

   Rapture Prank: Put small piles of clothes around local churches the morning of 5/22 & record reactions : )

   If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people aimlessly walking round streets, scribbling on walls, poking each other, searching for their friends, thumbs-upping and commenting at everything they see and tagging one another.

   I think you should fall in love with a terrible person and complain about it on the Internet for years.

   When are liquor stores going to get in on the Groupon game

   If you missed the MTV awards, you can see it again by throwing yourself down a flight of stairs while chewing a light bulb.

   I sing in the shower. I think I sound pretty good. The other people in the gym don't agree

   i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.

   So a film sparked this whole thing.....Have these ppl seen Roots and Shinderlist's List?.....

   I know a lot of midget jokes, I'm afraid they will come back to bite me in the ass.

   Advice of the day: Don't go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it's not Halloween

   Just had a near-death experience; almost used the wrong toothbrush.

   Adele is pregnant. Can't wait for her next album where she writes 17 angry tracks about diaper changing and crying babies

   Even with all the many different types of social media, nothing beats ignoring idiots in person.

   The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…