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I want my tombstone to read "I have finally cured my addiction to oxygen"" 
It's National Stomach Ache Day.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
I save a lot of money on makeup by just being attractive.
buying bottles rockets and crown royal! good day to be a grown-up
I'd rather watch highlights from a WNBA game than listen to ESPN talk about Johnny Manziel and A-Rod again.
This is the worst self help forum I have ever read.
maybe Disney should start having there girls sign contracts before making them famous. Like, "I Promise I will not be America's next pop wh*re if I get this part..."
"Keeping Up With The Kardashians" because "Slowly Falling Into Crack Induced Alcoholic Depression" just doesn't roll off the tip of your tongue.
Did the Jetsons ever explain why there weren't any black people in the future?............ Just asking for a friend
I have been informed that my problems now have problems...I find this to be problematic.
I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people.
The people that cheer and high five after their family member gives a dumb answer on Family Feud are better people than me
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and an insane ex? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go."
I might care about Twilight if Count Chocula was in it...
Sometimes a guy will say he’s “fine” when in fact he’s actually fine.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I'll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
Our kids are losing their imagination....hopefully soon they will have an app for that!!
If you're at a party and people start chanting your name, you're obligated to do anything they want you to do
Was asked if I have a drinking problem. I said no, I've got it figured out 