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Don’t you wish karma was like pizza and could be delivered in under 30 minutes? 
Just once I wanna see someone climbing Mt Everest with a cigarette hanging out of their mouth.
How does Kanye West need a billion dollars for ideas? Ben Franklin discovered electricity with a kite.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but believe my days around here are numbered...
My wife is not speaking to me. We watched an old video of our wedding and she realized that I said "You'll do" instead of "I do." My wife is not speaking to me.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.
Married sext: you were so good in bed last night... I didn't hear you snore once.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I'M ASKING THEM"
Today, I'm really gonna give it my nothing
The difference between Kanye's supposed genius and his stupidity is that his genius has it's limits.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Justin Bieber says he's quitting music. In related news, the Death Star now has one less reason to destroy Earth..
To all the Jehovas Witnesses: Happy 12:30am on a Wednesday!!!
Facebook movie. Well played NSA.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the women
A cute thing I tell my kids is that Jurassic Park was an actual documentary shot when I was a kid and it's all true.
According to my Timehop, I drank a lot on this day in 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011...
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear? 