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What I love most about my ex is that she is someone else's problem now. 
It's up to you to find the beauty in the ugliest day.
My parents told me I couldn't be a pirate when I grew up. My movie and music collection says otherwise.
Sometimes I wish I was like my calendar, it always has dates.
I so want to be in a relationship. I want to account for everything I do. Answer to someone when I come home late. And get dragged over the coals for not calling a hundred times a day.
You ever have one those great days where everything is going right? F#ck You.
I hate it when you look in a car window to fix ur hair.. after standing there for 5 minutes... you see someone in the car...
There are some days when I just really do not want to wake up early and go to work. I call these days Monday - Friday.
You don't have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
I almost sh!t myself when my friend told me that the government has access to a database that tells them everything about you, and even where you are on a daily basis. He said: It's called Facebook or something.
My girlfriend says she's going to leave me for being too impatient. I can't wait.
trying to act happy when no money falls out of your bday card! :(
Instead of yelling, I just say "Caps Lock" and then speak at a normal volume...
A dog will never borrow money from you, and that's why he's man's best friend.
I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
Does anyone else remember the day when you found out your parents had other names besides mom and dad? How crazy was that?!
Beepers and pay phones were so much easier.....
One women's "oh hell no that's gross" is another women's "oh please do that again".
My Facebook persona did not sleep well last night.
I don't think I'm better than you. I never think about you. 