Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Bad: Having a song stuck in your head. Worse: Having a song stuck in your head that you don't know all the words to.

   My son broke his Apple computer today and had the audacity to ask me to buy him a new one. I said, "Apples don't grow on f-kin trees you know!"

   Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet

   Wonders...Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "If you build it, they will come

   Fun thing to do to a jogger: Slam on brakes, come to a screeching halt beside him and scream out the window, "Turn around!!!!!!, for God's sake turn around!!!!!!, they are coming this way fast." Then speed away.

   I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem and huge boobs

   Wife: Do you want some dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No

   A mom is cleaning her son's bedroom and finds a hidden stack of bondage and fetish magazines. She asks her husband what to do and he says, "What ever you do, don't f*ckin' spank him!"

   Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. What's next ? Marriage without sex?

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of major financial crisis?

   ME: "I wasn't that drunk!" MY FRIEND: “Dude, you asked your girlfriend if she was single.”

   Hand Sanitizer... the best way to find invisible cuts for over 10 years now!

   If you see a profile pic with 1 fat girl and 1 pretty girl and can't figure out who's profile it is, make no mistakes… it's the fat one's.

   When you get home this evening, surprise your family by kicking the door in.

   1992: Girls got undressed for their husbands. 1995: Girls got undressed for money. 2012: Girls get undressed for likes on Facebook and Instagram

   I like how on cop cars, "To protect and serve" is in quotes, like they're being sarcastic.

   Our business says Merry Christmas!

   How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?

   One Day I hope I can afford an iphone like that girl in line infront of me with the food stamps!!!

   I'm living proof that you should never give up hope. You may find this hard to believe, given my current level of sheer awesomeness, but I was once a pathetic loser like you. Be strong.