Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   ashamed of what he did for a Klondike bar.

   Sick of people worrying about the Criminal more than the Victim. I support the death penalty… and who cares how long it takes you to die during an execution? Di d you care when you killed those people?

   "Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

   Dear M.Jordan please start making condoms. So these n*gas will start wearing them.....

   My wife wanted to talk to me about my constant immaturity, but she couldn't. She still doesn't know the password to my secret fort.

   Ever since I started working out every day, I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

   I heard in some places they bannned cigarettes from gas stations. That's a shame, I always smoke after I get f*cked.

   My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

   Retired members of the House/Senate get $174k for life. Our veterans get 10% unemployment & a pat on the back. I need to go throw up now.

   I keep having this dream I'm being carried off by a giant squirrel...Does that make me nuts?

   I don't know if my stomach is growling cuz I'm hungry or if that's my liver crying cuz it's the weekend.

   Friends are like Snowflakes, If you pee on them they disappear.

   just took crocs off a man sleeping in the airport & threw them in the trash because it was the right thing to do

   Instead of a relationship status saying "It's complicated" it should just say "Ike and Tina"

   This password requires one uppercase letter, one number, [at least] one swastika, the blood of your first born and a bird skull.

   Accidentally poured myself a glass of vodka at 9am. Accidentally drank it too. I'm so damn clumsy.

   Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise .... Was Rock Of Ages really that bad?

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   FYI: Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first..........Geesh

   I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.