Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   People - the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.

   Marriage counseling... because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she's being a bîtch.

   Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things of high shelves.

   When a cop asks you, "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"

   They want us to think they're backpack leaf blowers but they're actually jetpacks... and THAT'S how they're getting across the border! 

   How about lets move on from the Zimmerman case already?

   "My Uncle Jennifer is going to be on Jerry Springer tomorrow!"

   I saw a poor old lady slip on the ice this morning and knock herself out......I assume she was poor cause she only had 48 cents in her purse!

   If you're not drinking falcon blood out of a boar's skull, .....we don't want to see your tribal tattoo.

   girlfriends always want to have long talks. I say fine, lets talk.."I hate your friends, you're always hurt, and I'm always tired of paying for meals you only eat a third of...we done?"

   you've just received an Amish Virus. Since we don't have electricity or computers, you're on the honor system. Please delete your files. Thank thee

   I would like to wish all the moms out there a Happy Labor Day Weekend!!! What?... That's not what that means?

   I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help. .... So I hired a hitman

   One reason I hate politics is because of all the junk mail you get these days about one worthless candidate bashing the next about what a terrible job they are/would be doing. Personally I think they all suck. My name is John and I approve this message.

   Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

   The bank called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. I couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either

   have you heard of the new paint called "blonde"? its not very bright but it spreads easy

   I hate people who keep saying LMS on FaceBook. LMS if you agree.

   lol @ "If he pauses his game to text you back, marry him".. We never pause it, we're just waiting to respawn.

   DEAR SIDEWALK, Please get wider... SINCERELY, 3rd FRIEND WALKING BEHIND FEELING EXCLUDED.