Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   How much longer do you guys think Renée Zellweger can hold in that fart ?

   Just once I'd like to see a random stranger gut-punch the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

   This morning I was standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

   Not feeling pain does not make you strong. Strength comes from feeling pain, dealing with it, getting over it and moving on.

   I hope my memory foam mattress doesn't remember everything...

   I'm pretty sure my dying wish would be to stop dying.

   You don't need a $500 camera to take a photo of the bathroom mirror.

   Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary.

   Sorry son, we can't go get ice cream because mommy went to Kohl's 20 times last month.

   My dog was starting to take my love for granted so I made her watch one of those really depressing ASPCA animal abuse awareness commercials. This morning she washed my truck and took out the trash.

   I hate when men's restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them

   You can be the ripest, juiciest and sweetest strawberry in the field, and there's still going to be some fool who hates strawberries.

   Strangers have the best puppies & candy.

   You know what's easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside.

   I've done absolutely nothing today. Glad I still got it in me.

   I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

   Insomnia is nature's way of saying you're not done bugging people for the day.

   If you're going to carry on a cellphone conversation in the men's room you can count on me to make HORRIBLE noises and flush every two seconds.

   Dont you sometimes wish that you could just click 'like' on someones 'like'?

   No matter what mistakes I make in my life at least I won't be as pathetic as the guy who got eaten by a t-rex on the toilet in Jurassic Park