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I don't trust people who don't have middle names... 
Canada has never made and weapons of mass destruction. We don't need them. Canada has poutine and Justin Beiber. If we make our enemies eat poutine and listen to some Beiber cds, we'll do more damage to thier arteries and eardrums than WMD's ever could.
blocked you from my news feed. I don't care how many mobsters you've iced, that you found a pink sheep on your farm, or that you've redecorated your virtual apartment.
"Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses.
When things go wrong as they usually will and your daily road seems all uphill, when funds are low and debts are high, when you try to smile but can only cry. when you really feel like you should quit, don't call me, I don't give a S#@t.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo
Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
Dollar store pregnancy tests: For when you sorta wanta know
So far my bracket is perfect! I can't wait to fill the rest of it in.
courage turns quickly into fear when you attempt to kill a cockroach and it flies.
I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes of Maury.
Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Dennis Rodman
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses and play scrabble. SCIENCE!
I'm not sure I buy that, "An apple a day" expression any more. As a matter of fact, I'm completely convinced apples are bad news. Just look at Eve, Snow White, or any pig at a Hawaiian Luau.
Today is the official day for guys to start Christmas shopping!!!!
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
It's a shame that we live in a society that praises the pretenders, rewards the liars and promotes the talentless.
When you're tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."..
154 U.S. Walmarts are going to close, reducing their total number of open checkout lanes by 6. 