Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   There's no sexual Carfax report. This seems like something we should be working on. It would take online dating to a whole new level.

   It's great when I find out that some girl that used to be a b*tch to me in high school is just some random guys' baby mama now.

   I don't know about you but I always go a couple pieces deep when I grab a couple slices of bread from the loaf.

   Thank God pistachios have those shells to slow me down because the only thing stopping me from eating twelve pounds of them is that there aren't enough hours in the day.

   Zombies make the best boyfriends; they love you for your brain, not your body...

   The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music

   hates when people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

   Everybody starts out with a full bag of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before the luck runs out.

   A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

   would be more willing to accept people for who they are if they were more like how I wanted them to be.

   anyone who says 'money can't buy happiness' has never been broke.

   Just read the thermo stat and it read "Stay in the f*cking house"

   Men Play The Game, Women Know The Score.

   I don't think of it as a mess... I just think it's nice having everything I own in plain sight and within easy reach at all times!

   Why dont you slip into something more comfortable... Like a coma!

   If only you people got as passionate about other attrocities like rape, famine and corruption in world leaders as you do about one person's death. #First-worldPriorities

   Christmas Gift idea: Take her to the Planetarium so she can see the world doesn't revolve around her.

   The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.

   NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.

   WIFE: "Hey hon, you think you can pick the kids of from school?" ME: *takes a sip from 'Worlds Greatest Dad' coffee mug'* "Sure... what school do they go to?"