Funny Status Messages

   I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

   In life, there are three things you should not break: a heart, a promise, and a condom!

   I'm feeling kind of heavenly today, I just turned water into Kool-Aid.

   On a scale of 1-10 I give this day a middle finger

   "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?" You don't understand how sex works, do you, Michael Bolton?

   Okay ladies, here is the deal, we will stop talking about masturbation if you stop talking about your period. Fair trade.

   I blame Survivor for my inability to put out a tiki torch without saying, "the tribe has spoken."

   I sure hope Flavor Flav remembered to set his clocks forward!

   It's not that I need to manage my anger, it's that other people need to manage their stupidity.

   Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning.

   I could do so much more if I only had minions.

   Atleast Kanye let Kris Humphries finish...

   All of MY posts come straight off of Taco Bell sauce packets.

   It's the saddest thing when someone you know becomes someone you knew.

   Sometimes I like to get behind one of the empty registers at WalMart and wait till someone puts all their junk on the belt and then say, "Sorry, this register is closed."

   Excellent! My prediction of the millions of "Merry Christmas" status updates is coming along perfectly. Now all I need is a million "Happy New Years" status updates and my goals of knowing the obvious will be complete.

   My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.

   That unfortunate moment when you accidentally make a fart sound with your chair... and you spend the next 30 minutes trying to recreate the sound so everyone knows you didn't ACTUALLY fart.

   All these years in therapy have finally paid off people... My therapist just recommended I get supervision this festive season. I have always wanted super powers! BEST Christmas present ever...

   If your lawyer has a ponytail or a cowboy hat, you're a$$ is going to jail.