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Hey NFL, why all the domestic violence ads? We're not the ones beating up women, you are. 
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Ferguson is going to kick off their black Friday shopping events with the Darren Wilson verdict.
AHHHH! A student driver! AHHHHH! In a Toyota! We're all gonna die!!!
Sometimes I think I'm a genius. Then I realize I've already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
Don't tell your boyfriend that your friend is slutty... It will only intrigue him...
Doesn't get jealous when she sees her exes withe someone else, because her parents always told her to give her used toys to the less fortunate
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?
I need audio of crickets chirping on my phone so I can play after someone says something stupid to me.
Sometimes on FB, I intentionally post a status that is not freakin hillarious, just so my friends think I'm human
Sony announces it will no longer make Walkman cassette players. In other news, Sony was still making Walkman cassette players?
One good thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors
Its fun to see blue water turn green after I pee in it...see kids, science is fun...
A girl without curves is like going on a road trip with no turns, you get where you're going quickly but the ride is boring as hell!!!
I'm a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity...
You know that nervous feeling you get every time you're about to slide your debit card? And then the joy you feel when it says approved.
Found a Blockbuster Card in my closet, haven't been used in years... Is it considered an antique yet? 