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Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn't you know you were taking the picture? 
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69.
I have seen so many Smart cars this holiday weekend with out of state plates, I'm assuming there's a clown convention somewhere nearby.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks last year.. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse this year...
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
I can turn any song into the explict version if I dont really know the words.
Everyone has awesome boobs in their bitstrip
Reece's Peanut Butter C Cups. Someone get to work on this. Now.
Congrats on your secret admirer! It must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!
In my will I am leaving everything to the imagination.
I'm really getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I've given the bird to lots of people today.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
Just when I thought North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un couldn't get any weirder, he goes and lets the cast of Jersey Shore cut his hair.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
Well there's only one way to find out how many of my coworkers secretly wish that I'd punch them...
says Happy Friday @ 5:00 pm! If an ice cold, tall, 22 ounce Miller Lite is wrong, I dont wanna be right...
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot
Words of wisdom: Never turn on your windshield washer, going 60 mph, and your sun roof open. Unless you want to wake the kids in the back seat.
I once was on a diet for a month and lost 30 days
I'm not that impressed that hula dancers can tell a story with their hands. I can tell a story with one finger. 