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The difference between "I do" and "Do me" is the happily ever after part. 
I think I ate to much, I dont mean right now. Just in general.
Quick! Sign here ______, here ______ and on this side ______, done! I'll explain on our honeymoon.
Dude, if you've never hit the brakes while your girl was putting on lipstick…we'll never be friends.
Why am I still up? No wait, better yet, why am I still sober?
A certain "je ne sais quoi" is a terrible thing to have in a French hospital.
I hate when I ask the person beside me to pass me some toilet paper & they start begging the flight attendant to let them switch seats.
I just tried to find something in my wife's purse. I think I hit the wrong combination of buttons and now the sky is turning black...
People that say relationships are easy have probably never been in a real relationship. Cats don’t count.
I used to say that no one could be that stupid. Then I met you. I don't say that anymore.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
"We have to get together sometime!" is a just another way of saying, "I regret running into you."
I have not heard a single person mention a music video in the discussion of last night's VMAs.
my signature move is to get her too tangled up in the sheets to escape.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
If you don't feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend... you're not doing it right.
Started out with nothing and still have most of it.
My I.Q. goes from 125 to about 14 when there's a hot girl around.
I'm on Twitter because my family is on Facebook. 