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Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account 
It's almost that time of year again when I get to pretend I'm Dexter and all the pumpkins are evil.
If you're easy to get, then you're easy to forget.
Everyone at this Walgreens is acting like I'm the only person to ever scream out their safe word while getting a flu shot.
Apparently being a "Kid at heart" isn't a good enough excuse to have a Batman themed wedding :(
I only have one sexual preference and that's as often as possible please.
People don't hate you because you're beautiful. people hate you because you're a nasty b itch.
I really need to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" Some people are starting to take it as a personal challenge!
I hide my vodka in orange juice
This episode was brought to you by an overreaction, the crazy voices in her head, and a special guest appearance from PMS.
Only dead fish swim with the stream.
BREAKING NEWS: The Last person just finished voting in Florida....
That tandem horse costume would look a lot better on my bedroom floor.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, "Could you watch the kids for a minute?" and runs.
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have known it's summer.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a joke about that” and “I should talk to my therapist about that”
I am a single mom raising 5 electronic gadgets and a couch all by myself.
Every time I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the damn lock. 