Funny Status Messages

   Apparently being a "Kid at heart" isn't a good enough excuse to have a Batman themed wedding :(

   I only have one sexual preference and that's as often as possible please.

   People don't hate you because you're beautiful. people hate you because you're a nasty b itch.

   I really need to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" Some people are starting to take it as a personal challenge!

   I hide my vodka in orange juice

   This episode was brought to you by an overreaction, the crazy voices in her head, and a special guest appearance from PMS.

   Only dead fish swim with the stream.

   BREAKING NEWS: The Last person just finished voting in Florida....

   That tandem horse costume would look a lot better on my bedroom floor.

   The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....

   If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

   My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, "Could you watch the kids for a minute?" and runs.

   Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have known it's summer.

   There’s a thin line between “I should do a joke about that” and “I should talk to my therapist about that”

   I am a single mom raising 5 electronic gadgets and a couch all by myself.

   Every time I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the damn lock.

   Last night, Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, “Who’s Gotye?” while their kids were like, “What’s a record?

   I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her bff saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine’s Day. I hope she finds someone nice.

   I'm amazed at how far women will go to try to make me jealous. My ex is married now with 3 kids -- I see right through that.

   Women are the original autocorrect.