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TWILIGHT - Breaking Dawn Part 1: how can a guy that is basically dead get a woman pregnant? when he turned into a vampire shouldn't his sperm turn to dust like Hugh Hefner? 
The Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
"You see your family whole year, holidays are for your bartender !!" - Moe Syzlak
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
The older I get, the more the term 'douchebag' applies to everyone younger than me.
I think it's really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me.
Silly prank: Transmit clips of backward devil talk to your neighbors' baby monitor at random times throughout the night.
As for my solicitation of prostitution charge Your Honor, I would like it dismissed under of the Dire Straits "Chicks for free" act of 1985.
If someone you know has a serious gambling problem just bet them they can't get help
Really? I swear there is just not enough toilet paper to deal with the s*** around here sometimes!
I wonder if Titanic would have been as romantic if Jack would have said, "Hey Rose how bout we let me get on the headboard for just a couple of minutes"....
Whenever I screw up at work I'm so glad I'm not a doctor.
It's Friday night... So many innocent beers have no idea what's coming for 'em.
I like getting drunk because I love it when the whole world revolves around me.
Apparently I offended a midget with one of my jokes. I told him to grow up.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
When my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not the special extended edition with all the deleted scenes I've blocked from my memory.
I rode in an ambulance today....I can't believe they just leave those thing running in front of the ER like a valet service.
Whenever I open the fridge, my dog looks at me with a face that simply says "why don't you eat all the food?"
The Breakfast Club ruined detention shenanigans for the rest of us. 