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Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, auditioning for the circus again. 
I've decided that, instead of being a good example, I'll be a warning.
I read the rules and decided they are stupid so I will be making my own from now on.
I know where children get their energy... they drain it from their parents!
So if I don't kill you, I make you stronger? I really don't have any options here.
Half the lies they tell about me aren't true
why, hello there tequila and vodka....enjoy your stay, and as usual...please feel free to as many complementary brain cells you'd like.....i believe you and liver have met??
u can find smart guys in every corner of the earth..unfortunately the earth is round..
Judging by the lack of Fathers Day cards I received in the mail today, I'm guessing your m0m never told you.
As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point up
in America, we will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary
got his test results back this morning and is shocked to find that he's been diagnosed with OCD. He's called the doctors nine times to check if they're correct....
This vacuum has amazing suction, but no respect for my safe word.
The first rule of becoming a ninja is to make loud unnecessary noises when you hit things!!!
You say my driving is out of control, I say my driving is well-planned and that particular moves require extreme skill and big balls.
awkward moment: browsing Facebook friend suggestions and seeing people you used to be friends with who have unfriended you... Hey, you asked me!!!
you ever notice that when the bad guy is shooting at Superman, he stands there and lets the bullets bounce of his chest but when they throw the gun, he ducks?
I'm either one lucky ba$tard or completely infertile.
The guy who invented the "backseat windows can only roll down halfway" feature really overlooked the fact that no one would want that feature.
Her: ''Honey, you never listen to what I say!'' --- Him: ''Of course they will.'' 