Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible. 
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 guys...that's the limit.
Some of you ask me how I spend my valentines day: Naked, on the floor with a bottle of liquor in my hand, Screaming Adele songs to my cat.
Fat women want to be thinner. Thin women want bigger boobs. Big-boobed women want clothes to fit better. And you know what men want? Women.
When a woman says "We need to work on our communication" what she means is you need to listen to what I want and not share your opinion on the matter.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile.
I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.
dont be a woman that needs a man, be a woman a man needs
Not guilty? This is the worst episode of Law & Order ever.
Dear clever comeback, please come to me BEFORE the argument is over.
Does homeowner's insurance cover Kool-Aid Man damage?
The first 10 years of a girl's life are spent playing with Barbies. The next 10 years are spent trying to look like one.
just bought 400 copies of "Hoarders: Season 1." Not sure what to do with them...
Trying to find your phone when its on silent is one of life`s hardest tasks.
Breaking News from Bikini Bottoms... Sponge Bob Square Pants has issued a HIGH Terrorist Alert. Reports coming in that Bin Laden has been spotted sinking around Mr. Krabs underwater mansion... More on this breaking story later...
Don't call me lazy unless you've walked a mile in my slippers
I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
I hope the people who drive slow in the left lane are the first to go on Saturday.
Does your a$s ever get jealous of all the sh!t that comes out of your mouth?
I want my head stone to read: He was survived by his family and 672 Facebook friends. 