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Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks. 
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
As soon as you get in a relationship, everyone wanna send you that 'I miss you' text.
Be careful when you're watching a movie with your wife. You're gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''OK''?
Dogs are perfect napkins because they just think you're petting them.
People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful
Not sure about the footballs, but Katy Perry's chest appears properly inflated.
Seriously, how many times do I have to watch Kirstie Alley try to lose weight?
Black lives matter only when killed by a white. Those killed by other blacks don't seem to matter as much.
R.I.P. Mr. Steinbrenner... I never really "hated" your Yankees, just wish you would have bought the Braves!
For next season's "Survivor" series, let's get 16 college millennials and force them to live in the real world.
Had dinner with a girl tonight! Ok so maybe she was on the tv, but we were eating at the same time so I'm counting it.
If I'm on a date & it's bad, I'm just gonna stand up & say, "I'm an actor, they're all actors, & you're on MTV's Disaster Date!" & RUN out.
This sign says "in case of fire, do not use elevator." haha! Seriously? Who would be dumb enough to try to put out a fire with an elevator.
Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.
When I meet someone and I get a "Nice weather we are having..." I say, "My dog's toys taste salty!" I find it moves the conversation along.
Can anyone recommend a good website where people I knew in high school post pics of their meals? 