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wondering if the special forces soldiers answered "house keeping" when Bin Laden asked "who's there"? 
If you really want something, you will find a way. If you don't, you will find an excuse.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend
I'm not single and I'm not committed... I'm simply on reserve for the one who deserves...
I avoid making friends by being honest with people
I'm not shy, I'm just really good at figuring out who's worth talking to
A relationship that’s needs to be validated and reinforced by being constantly paraded on Facebook for the whole world to see is a desperate relationship that will not last.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.
If ANY of my posts have made even one person's day better,, then there's something seriously wrong with that person
Ever look around the room at your family and think to yourself "it's amazing I turned out as good as I did." Then realize you said it aloud?
Coworker just said "I need a thick black one." She was talking about a marker but I'm still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.
It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling "Release the Kraken!!" right before I do it.
Let's face it ladies, if men walked around with b0ners you'd stare at them too.
Lean Cuisine: Because I like a snack before my real lunch. 