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A woman will always forgive & forget......But she'll never let you forget that she has forgiven & forgotten... 
Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam.
Sometimes, when I feel optimistic about the future of mankind, I go read the comments on YouTube and it brings me right back to reality.
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
I was late to work, and my boss told me I should've been at work by 8:30 this morning. I asked him "why? what happened then?"
I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile... and how many times. ツ
People are busting my balls because I still have a landline. I can't get rid of it though because it matches my abacus....
Making all day plans on the weekend always sounds fantastic. Right up until the time my alarm goes off and I remember I hate getting up early on weekends and I don't really like other people.
Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water I won't need a watch.
bit another finger trying to eat way too many french fries at once
streaming Netflix's through a Blackberry tandem modem. Please don't call. The good part is coming up!!
I just skimmed through 50cent tweet page. I can't believe the guy's only been shot nine times.
I just saw a car that had The Club locked onto the steering wheel, a car phone, a beaded seat cushion, and a fuzzy steering wheel cover. The only logical explanation for this is that this car is a time machine.
I'm always hearing stories of people posting "Inappropriate" pics on Facebook....Why are none of YOU showing me nude pics my friends????
You know your life is boring when happy hour is when the kids take a nap.
"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows."
I will always forgive you, I only want you to realize what you have done wrong.
hates walking into nasty smelling bathrooms knowing after you leave the next guy in line always thinks you did it... as you fight the urge to notify him it was like that when you got there
Cooking Tip: Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute 