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Comment on people’s Instagram food pictures with “Funny how your body will convert all this into poop”. 
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Listening to Ke$ha yodel over a country techno beat while Pitbull barks in Spanish has been the most confusing experience of my adult life
Brrr, today is a good day to double-up on the underwear.
Kanye West said he's the next Nelson Mandela, so when are they gonna bury him?
If I ever get rich, the first thing I'm going to do is start calling my comforter a duvet... And then maybe I'll learn all the names for lettuce.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend's Christmas gift. I'm sure she will love her Subway gift card.
I'm only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
My favorite yoga pose is mouthward facing pie.
How many Denver broncos does it take to change a flat tire? One, unless it's a blowout, then the whole team shows up
The games haven't even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don't flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it's like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.
Waffles are just Pancakes with abs.
The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.
Comcast acquiring Time Warner Cable is like Nickelback and Creed deciding to go on tour together.
My trust issues are so bad that I don't even believe people when they use their turn signals.
No more Game of Thrones for my husband. Every time I eat a donut he follows me around the house saying "Shame. Shame. Shame."
Ashley Madison's servers were hacked, just in case your husband seems really nervous today for no reason...
Sometimes I worry that I'm gonna run out of status material... Then I look around at my family and I'm like, naaa I'm good. 