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Who else thought the ad for the new World of Warcraft game was a preview for a new kick ass Kung-Fu Panda movie? 
If I rule the world first thing I'll do is add a extra day into the weekend right after Saturday.. It will be called Matterday... It won't matter what you do that day
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
Farted on the bus, 4 people turned around, felt like i'm on "The Voice"
You're never going to change the world by trying to fit in.
Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested, everything you say can and will be used against you. So use your right to remain silent...
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
The only card I want for Valentine's is VISA.
Got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist and a priest.
#Remembers #A #Time #When #People #Used #To #Write #Without #Using #This #!
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
I'm not a mechanic so I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Your opinion of me is not as important as my opinion of me.
How can you tell if someone at work drives a hybrid? Don't worry, they'll tell you 5 times a day...
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just silently texting about their crappy Saturday and never make friends with each other
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
My friend said to me, "you should start drinking Ensure" and I said, "if I'm going replace a meal with a beverage its going to be beer..." 