Funny Status Messages

   Got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist and a priest.

   #Remembers #A #Time #When #People #Used #To #Write #Without #Using #This #!

   I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.

   I'm not a mechanic so I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

   You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.

   Your opinion of me is not as important as my opinion of me.

   How can you tell if someone at work drives a hybrid? Don't worry, they'll tell you 5 times a day...

   If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just silently texting about their crappy Saturday and never make friends with each other

   In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

   If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.

   My friend said to me, "you should start drinking Ensure" and I said, "if I'm going replace a meal with a beverage its going to be beer..."

   No one's gonna die if their boyfriend or girlfriend leaves them. Remember, it's a relationship, not a lung.

   I'd explain it to you again but I'm fresh out of crayons and puppets

   My friend just broke up with his woman. I really helped him through the break up by letting him know she's no good in bed anyway.

   If you're fearful about the government spying on you while you're online, hang out on Myspace. Nobody is going to spy on you there.

   Girl, you had me at "what the phuck are you doing in my closet?!"

   Why does the dryer even need a "more dry" setting. Who wants their clothes only kinda dry?

   Guys, putting the word “Swag” in your Bio is a good way of telling girls you didn't finish school & your job is selling crack on the corner.

   Stupid people should be made to pay for Oxygen.

   People with kids, your p0sts are all the birth control I need.