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I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet... what are the odds? 
Phil Robertson just learned the hard way that once you get sponsorships you can no longer express your opinion...unless your sponsors give you that opinion.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Have you ever noticed people who work in designer stores have attitudes like they can afford to not work in a store?
I hate when I am all alone in the house then things like soda cans in the trash decide to pop and make noises!
I do my best proofreading right after I hit send
Do you think having a fifth of Jack means something different to a cannibal?
In a new poll, 80% of Japanese women admit to having faked origami.
Patient: The problem is that obesity runs in my family. Doctor: No, the problem is no one runs in your family.
When you love someone truly and unconditionally, age, distance, bank balance, height or weight is just a damn number.
People who still call radio stations to request songs are the same people who still updates their MySpace profiles
I've been invited to a Post-Rapture looting event but I replied "Maybe attending" because I've also been invited to a Judgement Day event and I need to see how that goes before I decide for sure....
No one ever says, “It's only a game,” when their team is winning.
If you pull up to a red light and the car next is on their phone step on the gas and brake, and watch how far they go
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
The Devil came in all his glory to tempt and recruit me, realized who he was talking to, apologized, and asked me for a job application instead.
Work would be so much better if there was nap time, recess, and gym.
When moving walkways in airports warn me to watch my step because, "The walkway is coming to a end", my first thought is "I'm moving 2 mph, that is ridiculous." Then when I get to the end all I can think is "Oh crap, I better not mess this up." 