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After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins 
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
No thanks CVS, I don’t need a bag. I’ll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.
Today, I was rejected by a girl when she told me she is not ready to date. We met on a dating website
"Do you know where the nearest payphone is located?" Um... 1998?
I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.
I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them. It's a thankless job....
Best advice my mom ever gave me .. "Marry a girl with small hands because it will make your pecker look bigger."
It's not my fault you didn't read the fine print. I came with a warning label.
What is the meanest thing you can do to a person? Take the light bulb out of the bathroom and leave the plunger in the toilet!
Wives & girlfriends are temporary but ex-wives & ex-girlfriends last forever.
If a girl will play video games with you while she is naked, you should marry her.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you alot and think of you often.
mourning the passing of Saturday & Sunday. *pours out a bit of coffee* "I enjoyed the times we had. You'll be sorely missed." *Glances at Monday.* *Monday stares back.* "Awkward."
It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I'm pretty sure that just before I get to Walmart some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping
It's safe to assume more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.
Dusting off the old VHS sex tape my wife and I made. We watch it every Valentines and cry.
Whoever said "you can't fold a piece of paper in half 8 times" has clearly never seen me wipe my a$$ with the last sheet of toilet paper.
I choose butter over margarine because I trust cows more than I trust chemists. 