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If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people. 
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
I'm bored, I think I'll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
Ok body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that sh*t quick.
TGIF? TG4DVR! I just watched 90 minutes of Idol in 17 minutes and 30 seconds.
I think it's adorable when people assume I'm interested in anything they have to say before I've had my coffee.
dint realize Arnold was so lazy...Gawd the guy didnt even leave his house, to cheat on his wife..!
that awkward moment when she catches you trying to take a pic of her, and you have to pretend to be texting someone...
Sangria is like naughty Kool Aid.
How awesome would it be to buy a universal remote and stand outside your neighbors window and change the channel when they are watching soaps??
Why does anyone ever bother to say "don't look"? Because we all know what happens next...
I won't believe the Groundhog saw his shadow until he updates his Facebook status.
haw-yee! Said the dyslexic cowboy.
Cinderella is proof that a fancy pair of shoes can change your life!!
That time of year again where in a few days we will be able to buy Hearts filled with chocolates for 75% off.
Sometimes I wish that automatic doors would appreciate my existance... 