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Diet status: Discovered that a Pringles can fits exactly into the cup holders of my truck today. 
"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West"
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
Not 1 trick or treater last night!!!Thanks to the roll of crime scene tape I got at a yardsale last summer......
Pro Tip ~~ Do not make popcorn in laundromat dryers.. It really affects the flavor.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
As soon as a girl starts to like you, she and her friends have got you on 24 hour surveillance.. They're doing shifts
Representatives from AOL say that no one from North Korea has dialed in to their service for almost 8 hours now...
Women claim to not care for looks as much as guys do but I doubt they'll go see Magic Mike or 50 Shades or Gray if it starred Steve Buscemi and Seth Rogan.
Just once I'd like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
There needs to be a passenger side horn so that I can honk at my wife when she's driving.
Brian Williams said the dress is gold and white because he was there when it was made.
Relationship status: I've developed a high tolerance for pepper spray.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
I guess that is what a Brazilian wax feels like.
it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message is like looking directly into the sun?
So, the prisoner exchange for Sgt. Bergdahl was illegal. I guess we are going to have to send him back. 