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Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession. 
Not sure why my bill collector keep trippin and askin for their money...I mean as long as I owe yall money you will alwayz have a job...Hell you should be callin to thank me cuz I'm your job security....
convinced there is NO functional family. Every family has a relative they would prefer to keep kidden. If you think your family doesn't have one...it's YOU.
I have come to the conclusion that the dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
I guess taking pics of your food has finally replaced taking your pic in the bathroom mirror? Great, now I get to see that you can't cook OR clean...
LIKE IF you sign on to Facebook chat & have instantly signed off upon noticing someone online.
I tried to kill a spider with hairspray. It's still alive but it's hair looks FABULOOOUS
My wife is taking my kids to go see the nut cracker this weekend. Of course I'm talking about my mother in law not the show.
Did you know if you watch Twilight backwards, it's still sh!t?
Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.
Apparently waking your girlfriend up with oral sex is only romantic if you're the giver.
Blow Jobs are better than No Jobs - Bill Clinton
just got college letters from the marines, navy, army and coast gaurd. Well obviously somebody has been watching me play Call Of Duty...
Someone left their toenail clippers touching my toothbrush now I have to burn the house down and start over.
Had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O'Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook & pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.
Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the Hampster was dead?!!!
Do you enjoy interacting with people?" "Nope" "Great, you're hired!" - DMV interview process
Got a little too much Sun today! I knew I should have closed the blinds!
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them. 