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Whenever a man wants to prove to me that he's tough, I make him fry bacon without a shirt on. 
always learn from mistakes of others who took your advice
I just drank a whole pot of coffee and now I can stutter in sign language.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish" but they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird?"
They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog getting ready to vomit. Nothing makes me jump out of bed faster than that.
Some days, I can conquer the world. Other days, it takes me three hours to convince myself to shower.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Every time I fold laundry I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and keep folding....
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this to me."
Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.
I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
Where did Noah keep his bees?... In the ark hives........ * Yes,, I'm showing myself out,, thanks
In our local supermarket, they always have 6 checkouts open. Except when it's really busy then they have 2...
“Hey, it's been 10 seconds. Check your pockets again. Maybe your missing keys have magically reappeared there.” (My Brain)
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I'm on a 'secure line'
Don't expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
I think it's safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
Memo to self: A Home DNA Testing kit is not a good shower gift. 