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No working during drinking hours!! 
The first word I want to teach my kid is "brains." Until he/she learns another word, I'll have the cutest little zombie ever!
I was the kid that would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose.
My dr put me on antidepressants with some side effects. Ive never been happier to have diarrhea, nausea, and night sweats!
You don't have a drinking problem; people without arms have a drinking problem.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone's lawns so freshly mowed.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
I broke up with my Gym, we were not working out
I shouldn't have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
says Ladies; if you don't know how to dance, just spell your name with your butt. Problem solved.
Hey adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via Facebook, learn how to text.
A new day doesn't officially start until you take a shower.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called Do You Smell Something Burning?
I'm not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724
Looking at all the post on my news feed, it is very hot today. News Flash people, it is summertime. That is what happens in summer months. Keep me posted in January also when it is cold out. Thanks
in light of Anderson Cooper coming out....the reach around will now be known as the AC 360
Mic Jagger'snew book says he slept with 4,000 women!..........Well 3,999 if you subtract David Bowie!!!
Today I'm announcing that I still can't afford the first iPad.
I came home drunk last night and my wife looks at me says"Drunk Again" and I said "Me Too!!
If you're STUPID enough to vote for someone because of a celebrity endorsement plese delete yourself from my friends list...Thank you. 