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Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you. 
Some people walk the walk and some people talk the talk. I drink the drink.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell 'em: "You're gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
I hope everybody enjoys the new air guitar I sent them for Christmas.
Teenage girls: stop making the duck face in all your photos. I don't know who told you it was attractive cause it isn't. You look quite stupid and immature, not to mention ugly. Mostly stupid. Real stupid.
Ladies, if your Facebook status is "It's Complicated" it's really not. It's simple, you have a sh^itty boyfriend, and you're co-dependent.
traffic lights turn green so fast, I cant even update my status
Remember the days of He-Man, Ninja Turtles, Rainbow Brite, Pound Puppies and Pee Wee's Playhouse? Those Saturday mornings were worth getting up for....
I don't have an attitude. I have a personality you can't handle.
I'm tired of people seeing me and telling me they called me and I didn't pick up. "Yes, I remember ignoring that".
When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being awesome at everything."
Ghetto Word of the Day: HARASSMENT. Usage: “My wife caught me sleeping with another woman and I said don't worry honey, harassment nothing to me.”
By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks shes wrong.
Does anybody else check their keyboard after somebody mispells something to see how close the letters were?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
Don't worry that you're 40.. you're just 1 in “cougar-years.”
Whenever someone sasy: "I'm sorry, it's just who I am." What they really mean is: "I am a giant a**hole and have no plans of improving myself as a human."
I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline."
If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away. 