Funny Status Messages

   Guys, if you are ever watching 'Indecent Proposal' and your wife or girlfriend asks: "Would you let someone sleep with me for $1,000,000?" Just lie!!

   Understanding women is easy, too: Just take calculus, multiply by quantum physics, then divide by E=mc². Also, hold them when they cry. Boom.

   I've tried everything to get to sleep. Well, except that thing where you shut off your phone and close your eyes, but let's not get crazy.

   the NFL aka No F***in Lights."

   I have a question. How is it that the man who wasn't good enough to wed your daughter, can somehow be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the world?

   How do you know if you're an attention seeking b*tch? Check your Facebook status, and if it reads something like 'having the worst day ever!" ... Bingo.

   Looks like Mother Nature is pulling Winter's Band-Aid off one hair at a time!

   Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?

   We all have that place we go to that is full of negatives and disappointment. Mine sadly is my checkbook.

   I hate how many French people play Call of Duty 4, you usually get 'host ended game' before any bullets have been fired.

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger... at least one of them anyway.

   High School Reunions: Trying to replicate that which was never so great to begin with.

   A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

   after I ask the magic 8-ball, I get a second opinion from the bobble-head..

   If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is "My god how does he drink his beer??", You might be an alcoholic.

   Men say women should come with instructions. Hello! When was the last time you saw a guy read the instructions?

   I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.

   I am sorry, I can't be a part of this diabolical act. Just kidding. I'll get the shovel.

   I don't hold grudges but my ignore game is beast mode

   all I know is that before I watched Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMA's, it didn't burn when I peed.