Funny Status Messages

   "You will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory" - Spongebob

   On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the "Jaws" theme.

   Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! Then they call me ugly and poor.

   I'm going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn't enough

   How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh$t in it.

   My brother took being sent to prison really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we vowed never to play Monopoly again at Christmas...

   Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

   Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.

   There are few guarantees in life but if you see a grown man riding a bmx, he knows where to score some meth

   Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.

   I hope Adele and Eminem never date, can you imagine what their breakup albums would be like!

   Bought one of those tennis racket looking bug zappers today. My god, where have you been all my life. What fun! Oooh, here comes the dog....

   I could probably beat Usain Bolt if we were both trying to get the last ice cream sandwich.

   Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they're dead.

   I'm so hungry I could drink 5 more beers.

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice. But it's still a choice

   You can stop lifting weights now; it's actually your personality that nobody likes.

   if Da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20125215-00854.jpg"

   If anything the Lance Armstrong confession confirms my belief that exercise leads to deceitful behavior.

   Wouldn't it be great to hear a priest say "been there, done that" in reply to your confessed sins?