Funny Status Messages

   Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.

   I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.

   Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn't going to help me type any faster.

   I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.

   I say we bury Boston bomber, Tamerlan Tsarnaev's body at Westboro Baptist Church....

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of Oklahoma. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   When I'm in the shower, why does every noise sound like my phone?

   I pride myself on being more tolerant than I really should be with the general public. With that being said, we are long overdue for another plague.

   Sorry I'm late my alarm didn't go off because I didn't set it because I don't like coming here

   I always hoped my kids wouldn't have to suffer the same things I had to. Then Michael Bolton comes back....

   The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.

   The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden

   Facebook got 2 billion to burn even though the site is 90% candy crush requests & fake news that tricked your grandma.

   I'm no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.

   No legs and he still managed to walk away from a murder charge?

   it just me or is "Pink" and Billy Idol the same person?

   If John has 100 pieces of bacon, and he eats 20, what does John have? Happiness. John has happiness.

   My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn't touch anything else, so that's good.

   I hope all that racket in Egypt doesn't wake Imhotep again. I don't think I could take another lame Mummy movie.

   If I am ever on life support and you pull my plug, wait 5 minutes and plug it back in.It seems to work great on my modem!